Monday, July 11, 2005

Emotional breakdown? failure? confusion?

well, i know i did promise amelia not to write anymore sad posts, but i guess this one will be one of those sickening posts for which all of you may not wan to read. i just write it down to express all i felt. i guess the day turn from ok to bad to worse. emotional breakdown, thats what i got today. i failed......in exams, in life. i failed in everything i did. i failed in my studies, sejarah and maths the two subjects which one should not fail and worse of all, i did terrible in my english whihc is enough for me to end my life. my bio is decreasing and so is my chem. not to mention bm and add maths, i dare not face it anymore. by the time i had english, i dropped, i fell, i just gave up. i could not take it anymore. english was horrible. i know you might all say try harder, at least its not mock or spm. but i guess i have tried enough. and it seems the harder i try, the worse i get. if i dun try, i make careless mistakes. whats wrong with me. i dun the answer and i know you do not have the answer. i guess i just failed in everything i did.


emotionally, i failed too. what i have done for the pass 17 years in my life......doing something that is sooo stupid that only makes everyone live in misery and sadness....maybe i just shouldnt appear here in this world, my existence is a mistake anyway. i am losing everything. my studies, my frens and especially myself. i feel i have lost everyone. not to say that they have lost me, i dare not say that cos i know they arent as i am meaningless to them, but i guess i just feel that i have lost each and everyone i know in my life. i have nothing to hold on and i really am lost. if i fail now, how am i gonna succeed......you mite say leaern from this failure, but i ask in return how am i suppose to get up......i have no will and power. i have lost the confidence in myself. i dun have the strength to keep on trying and trying. its worthless. i know i only have live in this world for 17 years and its silly for me to think about death. but i guess it may be a good solution if not for me for everyone as i know my existence jjust disturb those who knew me. i am just bothering everyone. its hard to regain. i am lack of support and guidance,,,,i am lack of understanding from those who are close to me and when i say this, i am not demanding for any of your sympathy but i guess i just have to reveal my emotions. i know i am not suppose to feel this way but i also know that this feelings is always there to take over my strength and will power to live. why cant my family take this seriously instead of just laughing at me.....i do not want to lose my frens as i am having that strong feeling rite now. i know i am suppose to be independant but i know i will never get up to find my way for i am lost. its silly for me to think all this rite now,. failing in test and exam is ust a small thing. but to me, it matters and not only have i failed in my studies but socially i have failed. i have done nothing useful to those who cares about me, to those who are concern about me, my frens and family. it makes me think twice on what i have done all these years i am here in this world. am just aimless, useless and hopeless.


i know i should overcome this feeling or i will never get up anymore. the problem is i dun think i can do it. and i think i cant i really cant. failings in life.....enough for me to lie down on earth. why cant i just go after getting pneumonia....why.....whats the purpose of me here if i only know how to bring destruction in every beings life. i have nothing and my existence is pointless.
confusion circling around my head. liking or loving does not matter but so long truth is known, no matter how much it hurts, it is better to know now than never. but i guess when youare loving someone, you just want the best in him or her. and here i say, i want the best in everything for you. and hope that you will never ever be facing any situations like me now. its hard loving and be loved and in the end, it only circles your mind to confusion. truth is never known even though you mite think it is the truth
i know this post is long boring and full of negative emotions....its just what in my mind rite now. sorry for any inconvenince, and again i must say that i am not directing this post to anyone, no offence, dun feel hurt or anything. its just what in my mind rite now.
the following may be a weird post but i am just writing what is in my mind ok. so please,, bare with me this time. and i guess i have to regain after calming downfor a moment
failure, is just a way of life. but i dun know how to get up once i have fall. all i need is time, a moment that is mine and while i am in that moment, i guess i will find my way out. but its hard to make a decision or to stand up knowing that i have fall. i must believe in myself but unfortunately i lost the faith in me. people trust me saying that i can do it but whats the use of that if i dun have the will to try again. all i really need is time to collect myself back. finding back my identity and while i am doing that, i need guidance and support from each and everyone of you. but when i say this, i do not want all of you to sympathise me cos i know i am not worthy to be sympathise for.
i know i have known u for a short period of time, but that moment is the time where i really enjoyed my life. i do not even remember when was the last time i smiled or laughed. probably it was when i met you, but all of that are left memories. for i know i am not that important to anyone to you or to any of my frens and even my family. i am just a leech to all your lifes, wanting your help and support which in the end, brings you to no good. happiness must be find and does not come in any way to our lives. and with this, i just hope that i can give all my happiness to you and gather all your sorrows to me so that i know at least you are living happily, with no worries about your life and your future. i am happy to have known you and my feelings towards you are genuine but again i know where i stand and with that, i do not want to bother any one of you. the best step is to leave and pray for all of you for eternal happiness.
i know i have been talking so much crap. probably in the future i mite think myself as crazy but i guess its what in my mind rite now. so bare with me
i am sorry to have failed you and am sorry for being a useless person. but dun worry, i promise i will find my way back and with that, i just need time, a moment that is mine, while i am in between, i need guidance from anyone from anyone of you.

7 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dont for a moment think that you aren't important to us, your friends...

10:41 PM  
Blogger the hippo loves waffles said...

there is alot more to life than u realise..at times....we tend to feel like a failure..like we cant do anything right..it leaves an emptiness in our hearts..we feel like shutting ourselves away from the rest of the world..but u just got to hang in there and give ur best shot in everything..so u'll have no regrets..continue striving..realise the u have people around u who love u and care for u and want to help u so that u can be happy..and one day..you'll find urself smiling again cos uve gotten through all that..life is never fair..u just got to live it to the fullest..giving up will never work..but fighting against it will.. i have never really spoken to you before..well once when u were selling sweets for leo..ahaha..but anyways..yea i dont know u but i guess reading ur blog..i know how u feel..i know how much it hurts..but just hang in there..the sun will come up again one day..and when it does..u'll be smiling again :P

6:30 PM  
Blogger - z a r a t h o s - said...

hehe.

don't worry sherly.

u still have the people who love you. everyone.

trust me.

7:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hang in there, gurl...i know how u feel, i understand but u r not a failure...there will always be times in life where we feel tat everything is just going wrong and nothing seems right at all...but do know that in our eyes, u r not a failure but far from it...no one is going to think any worse of u because of this.... u are someone special, someone unique, you are sherly. and there will be no one else like u.
have faith, gurl.
because we all have faith in u.
huGs

2:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think that you should just try to get a grip on yourself. Coz during our talk the other day, I think we're suffering similar symptoms. Feelings of suicide are never good. So just hang in there and know that every second of the day, no scrap that, every moment of the day, someone is thinking of you and at this moment, I am.

10:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey..i noe how u feel cos i feel the same way too. it is really hard to get through it but probably if we try hard we are able to do so. take care.

5:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I often feel like this myself, and even when I can feel happy, something is missing. Just try to talk to the ones you love and do things for yourself that make you happy.

7:43 AM  

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