oh boy

i bet you guys must be wondering what on earth am i doing here??? blogging on moday morning.....suppose to be school i know but i guess today is my day off. got bio test some more. if you read my post last nite, i am sill ok. yeah thats right. was ok but after that, last nite, my head start to hurt and when i woke up this morning, the pain was still there.

its not the normal headache. actually its not even a headache. i injured my head on sunday morning. how? why? clumsy me i guess. i woke up, and then decided to sleep again as it was still early and when i lay my ehad down, BANG, my head kena the end side of my bed! sharp end side!! my bead is actually a doubledecker bad. custom made , so i guess you wont understand what i am trying to say unless you have seen it yourself. what ever it is, my head knocked on the side of the bed which was sharp. it didn feel anything when i hit it, nor thruout the whole day yesterday until last nite. and now, it still hurts.i think got big bruise. now my head feels uneven. left side, normal and rite side, so heavy got heavy burden .

well, i guess today is my day off. not really a day off, just away from school. got to finish all my unfinished hwk i guess. so cyaz.

forgetful

from the title, i am sure most of you know what i have been up to. am so forgetful this past few days. first on losing my wallet, then misplacing my stuff and now, posting. i was thinking the whole day today, what am i suppose to do on fri but have put forward it. just now, then it came to my mind, was supposed to blog. not a must but i felt like blogging anyway. so, tomorrow, got bio test. past few days has been blur. and yes, yesterday, saturday we had all girls nite. where nine of us girls went to dN's house and cook ourselves dinner. hsa soup, salad, lasagne and ice cream. imagine we made it all by ourselves. and boy, were we full. made two plates of lasagne but in the end only finished one. incidents after incidents occured last night. melissa slipped and fell, then the agte couldnt close so we called the boys to come. lik came over helped us close and was treated with the lasagne we made. and oh my gosh, we forgotten it was beef. soooooo sorry lik. we din mean to mempermainkan you. totally forgotten about it. so we gave him another dish. then jason cameover. gave our lasagne a try and he said it was nice.
this coming week, well, tomorrow, test and i haven study, need to finish all my unfinished work which practically is going thru my exams papers AGAIN and writing autographs. wed, report card day, not looking forward to it, average dropped by 2 marks. i guess it was my english and maths. i fonly i did well, i could have got higher average. oh well, try better again next time. see, i am more positive now. then friday, field trip, going to matang wildlife and afternoon, hartz chicken?? not sure yet but if everything goes smoothly, then that's our plan/. saturday physics kebangsaan test at st joe and i guess i kinda regret for joining, why? cos i look thru at the past year paper and it was hard! but i guess i have to give it a try. dun wanna waste my $$. till then, need to study my bio

+SORRY+MeLia is Back+THANKS eVeryONE+

hi everyone! i am back. i know the last post is full of negative feelings, feels like the end of the world. but now i am back, with a different feeling or should i say with a more positive look towards life. but before i continue to write on, i must apologise to each and everyone of you who is reading my pass post, very sorry for behaving that way.

this week could have been in a good week, although i did breakdown on monday. but with spm oral and mmr injection and after exam mood, we din really do much in school. plus amelia is back. however, my week end in a disaster on thursday where i lost my wallet in school. i know i promised melia, no more negative feelings. but i am just gonna write this as an announcementto those who study in lodge, if you happen to come across a wallet, blue colour, material is made up of jeans, please return to me or at least pass to the office. its very urgent as my indon ic is inside. i just want it back. i am not sure where i lost it or should i say did i misplace it.my frens and i have searched high and low the places i have been too, ransacked the whole class on friday but not sign of it. i realised it was lost on thursday, when i was about to go home. and i lose track of time from thursday lunch onwards. i guess it must be the free time we had and BINGO. win too much until i forgot whats happening aroung me! oh well, i just hope it will turn up. i really cant think where it is and my fresn think it just cant be gone just like that. so, please, if anyone saw it, please return it, at least the ic. very important for me.

i can only pray that my wallet would just appear after the wallet hunt that my frens and conducted had failed. despite that, my results are terrible. but, dun worry, i am fine now, not 100%, i cant gurantee that. but i will get back to work soon, i just need a time off. besides, we still have spm oral english this coming week. and AMELIA is BACK. this girl, din tell me she come back, say not coming back until end of year! but, now she is BACK. glad to hear from her, she is fine, healthy, cuter and everything good la.

i am pretty tired now. yesterday, not at home for the whole day. mornin, tuition, lunch at kfc with edine and then off to bernie's house with lik and drew. reach bernie's house, play prince of tennis, i watch them play, very fun and exciting! play until 3 sth then baru go saberkaa, watch aids performance. valentio, claudillea, kev, lamomok and san perform. missed first performance, hero. but managed to watch the other two. got stella's pressie. and then after that, around 5 sth back to berbs house, sime, jack, melia, dine, drew, me, lionel, bernie himself, che wee and gilbert. play prince of tennis, chit chat and then go to lodge, stella's party. very cool place. was there until 11pm then follow chun yik's car home. sorry to bother you, chun yik and sorry to those who follow chun yik's car, had to send me home first. dead tired by the time i reach home. mum's back, with my coussie and aunt. then sleep. why why why cannot sleep later a bit this morning......woke up kinda early, around 7am and later need to go out. later tired again, how to study and do hwk and do revision on my exam papers. i guess i have to try to squeeze everything today

i know this is a long post. so i am about to end soon. but before that, THANKS EVERYONE. thank you to those who read my previous post and left the comments. giving me the support and encouragement. thanks jane, for supporting me, although we seldom talk to each other. thanks manda for guiding me, and sorry, HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY amanda!!! thanks lionel and andrew. thanks for spending some time reading how i felt. thanks to all others for being there for me when i was down/low. thanks everyone. dun worry about me as i promise you that i will get up and try my best in everything i do. thanks everyone.

Emotional breakdown? failure? confusion?

well, i know i did promise amelia not to write anymore sad posts, but i guess this one will be one of those sickening posts for which all of you may not wan to read. i just write it down to express all i felt. i guess the day turn from ok to bad to worse. emotional breakdown, thats what i got today. i failed......in exams, in life. i failed in everything i did. i failed in my studies, sejarah and maths the two subjects which one should not fail and worse of all, i did terrible in my english whihc is enough for me to end my life. my bio is decreasing and so is my chem. not to mention bm and add maths, i dare not face it anymore. by the time i had english, i dropped, i fell, i just gave up. i could not take it anymore. english was horrible. i know you might all say try harder, at least its not mock or spm. but i guess i have tried enough. and it seems the harder i try, the worse i get. if i dun try, i make careless mistakes. whats wrong with me. i dun the answer and i know you do not have the answer. i guess i just failed in everything i did.


emotionally, i failed too. what i have done for the pass 17 years in my life......doing something that is sooo stupid that only makes everyone live in misery and sadness....maybe i just shouldnt appear here in this world, my existence is a mistake anyway. i am losing everything. my studies, my frens and especially myself. i feel i have lost everyone. not to say that they have lost me, i dare not say that cos i know they arent as i am meaningless to them, but i guess i just feel that i have lost each and everyone i know in my life. i have nothing to hold on and i really am lost. if i fail now, how am i gonna succeed......you mite say leaern from this failure, but i ask in return how am i suppose to get up......i have no will and power. i have lost the confidence in myself. i dun have the strength to keep on trying and trying. its worthless. i know i only have live in this world for 17 years and its silly for me to think about death. but i guess it may be a good solution if not for me for everyone as i know my existence jjust disturb those who knew me. i am just bothering everyone. its hard to regain. i am lack of support and guidance,,,,i am lack of understanding from those who are close to me and when i say this, i am not demanding for any of your sympathy but i guess i just have to reveal my emotions. i know i am not suppose to feel this way but i also know that this feelings is always there to take over my strength and will power to live. why cant my family take this seriously instead of just laughing at me.....i do not want to lose my frens as i am having that strong feeling rite now. i know i am suppose to be independant but i know i will never get up to find my way for i am lost. its silly for me to think all this rite now,. failing in test and exam is ust a small thing. but to me, it matters and not only have i failed in my studies but socially i have failed. i have done nothing useful to those who cares about me, to those who are concern about me, my frens and family. it makes me think twice on what i have done all these years i am here in this world. am just aimless, useless and hopeless.


i know i should overcome this feeling or i will never get up anymore. the problem is i dun think i can do it. and i think i cant i really cant. failings in life.....enough for me to lie down on earth. why cant i just go after getting pneumonia....why.....whats the purpose of me here if i only know how to bring destruction in every beings life. i have nothing and my existence is pointless.
confusion circling around my head. liking or loving does not matter but so long truth is known, no matter how much it hurts, it is better to know now than never. but i guess when youare loving someone, you just want the best in him or her. and here i say, i want the best in everything for you. and hope that you will never ever be facing any situations like me now. its hard loving and be loved and in the end, it only circles your mind to confusion. truth is never known even though you mite think it is the truth
i know this post is long boring and full of negative emotions....its just what in my mind rite now. sorry for any inconvenince, and again i must say that i am not directing this post to anyone, no offence, dun feel hurt or anything. its just what in my mind rite now.
the following may be a weird post but i am just writing what is in my mind ok. so please,, bare with me this time. and i guess i have to regain after calming downfor a moment
failure, is just a way of life. but i dun know how to get up once i have fall. all i need is time, a moment that is mine and while i am in that moment, i guess i will find my way out. but its hard to make a decision or to stand up knowing that i have fall. i must believe in myself but unfortunately i lost the faith in me. people trust me saying that i can do it but whats the use of that if i dun have the will to try again. all i really need is time to collect myself back. finding back my identity and while i am doing that, i need guidance and support from each and everyone of you. but when i say this, i do not want all of you to sympathise me cos i know i am not worthy to be sympathise for.
i know i have known u for a short period of time, but that moment is the time where i really enjoyed my life. i do not even remember when was the last time i smiled or laughed. probably it was when i met you, but all of that are left memories. for i know i am not that important to anyone to you or to any of my frens and even my family. i am just a leech to all your lifes, wanting your help and support which in the end, brings you to no good. happiness must be find and does not come in any way to our lives. and with this, i just hope that i can give all my happiness to you and gather all your sorrows to me so that i know at least you are living happily, with no worries about your life and your future. i am happy to have known you and my feelings towards you are genuine but again i know where i stand and with that, i do not want to bother any one of you. the best step is to leave and pray for all of you for eternal happiness.
i know i have been talking so much crap. probably in the future i mite think myself as crazy but i guess its what in my mind rite now. so bare with me
i am sorry to have failed you and am sorry for being a useless person. but dun worry, i promise i will find my way back and with that, i just need time, a moment that is mine, while i am in between, i need guidance from anyone from anyone of you.

EXAMS OVER!!!! & AMELIA

finally exams is over.,,,well, at least the written one, upcoming weeks still got oral spm. gonna have to work hard until spm is over. lil relieved after exams, get to relax for a while la
before i forget, happy bday to joon hui edine and amanda. sorry if it was belated. anyway, later edine's party, gonna go over early to help out
amelia....melia.....melia......well, she is a fren of mine whom i just knwn her for more than a year. very loving cute girl alwasy smiling. tough chick. but now she is away from home, kch, at nz. just talked to her the other day and she i forget her lo.....and here let me declare to you melia, that you are always on my mind and hereby also declare that this post is dedicated to you. i know you kepton saying i keep on saying about sad stuff. now talking about you, is happy stuff rite? i remember how i loved your house very much. and fyi, we here in kch do miss your existence you know. sorry for the short description of you, haven had my lunch yet. so gtg. see ya

hmm.....

hi there, just came back from add maths tuition. went in the morning and afternoon. head is spinning rite now. well, three days of exams just passed and there's still a week more. i dunno whether should i say i cant wait for exams to be over or vice versa. its nice to have exams over, get rid of the stress. but to think of the other way round, results will be back and worse of all, spm is drawing near. and when spm is over, oh boy, we will all be on our own separate ways.

exam, so far NOT so good. i know i did terrible for sejarah, can failed, i think i will fail, and i mean fail in lodge standrad not mine, fail my essay and teacher told me sth which is a very stupid mistake. failed my physics exxays too.....goodness, bad start. mon moral and est and next is add maths. got to study hard today and tomorrow.

environment in school, i guess is bad , why? everyone is sick. nearly everyone. and me, ........symptoms are showing.......slept for 2 hours only on fri morning. and so, i guess that's why i might get sick. hopefully not. talking about health, my sis is doing quite bad. in hospital at kl right now, got dengue fever. am worried about her. too bad got exams or else i will go visit her and take care of her. only thing to do, pray for her to get better

i guess life is never gonna be the same again. especially when you are not with the one you love. we will be going on our own separate ways and to come to think of it, its just the way of life. but again, i wish the happiness that we have had will last forever, and hope to be in a happier mood. its nice to go thru our times with all your frens and with those whom you love. oh well..